Self-esteem and relationships: why you can't place your happiness in another person

If you want to watch the full interview, you can click on this link to watch it on YouTube.

Why do we repeat certain patterns in our relationships? Why do we depend so much on validation from another person? Why is it so difficult for us to set boundaries without feeling guilty?

To understand how self-esteem influences our romantic relationships, we spoke with Aura Márquez, a psychologist and director of the Centro de Psicología Viva in Palma de Mallorca, specialized in couple and sexual therapy, EMDR, trauma, and attachment, on the Vivelavita podcast.

The myth of the soulmate: why it's dangerous to expect your partner to complete you

At a social level, the idea that a partner comes to complete us, that our “soulmate” is waiting for us out there, has been widely sold. As Aura Márquez explains, this belief is dangerous because no relationship can sustain the weight of becoming a person's sole source of security, value, or happiness. It's like asking a single column to support an entire house: sooner or later it will suffer.

We all need affection, recognition, and connection, but the problem arises when we exclusively seek outside what we have been unable to build within ourselves. In such cases, any disagreement or distance may feel like the ground is shifting beneath our feet, and the relationship may become very dependent, generating constant demands for attention and security.

The healthiest relationships, notes Aura Márquez, are not those in which one person rescues the other, but those in which both walk together, mutually supporting each other without ceasing to stand on their own feet.

How low self-esteem feeds jealousy and the need for validation

When self-esteem is fragile, we tend to view the relationship through a lens clouded by insecurities. This means that even in a healthy relationship, we may perceive threats where none exist.

Aura Márquez describes self-esteem as an internal regulator that needs flexibility: if it is overly inflated, we can lose touch with reality; but if it is too low, any situation can become a test of our worth. A common example: a delay in responding to a message, or the partner's need to have their own space, can trigger deep fears of rejection or abandonment.

From there, behaviors such as jealousy, watchfulness, the need for control, or the constant need for confirmation arise and, paradoxically, these attempts to protect the relationship end up eroding exactly what we want to care for.

The “clouded lens”: how we see threats where none exist

Aura Márquez compares it to holding a plant too tightly to keep it from moving: in the end, we end up damaging it.

"You can't hold onto something that needs to grow spontaneously."

That's why, she emphasizes, it's so important to differentiate what really occurs in the relationship from what actually happens to us.

Another common trap associated with low self-esteem and fear of abandonment is the tendency to please in everything, neglecting one's own needs just to ensure everything goes well and to avoid upsetting the other person.

Setting boundaries in a relationship without feeling guilty

Setting boundaries is not, according to Aura Márquez, something that depends solely on self-esteem. It also matters that, culturally, we have not been taught to set boundaries, nor to say no without making the other person feel bad, just as we are not taught to receive others' boundaries.

In this country, she points out, we are often taught that helping or dedicating ourselves to others is more important than dedicating ourselves to ourselves, and many people learn that to be loved, they must continuously adapt to others. But in a healthy relationship, it is not about disappearing for the other to take up more space.

Setting boundaries involves recognizing that we have needs, opinions, and emotions that are as valuable as those of the other person. Saying no, explains Aura Márquez, is not about closing a door: it is about marking the frame that protects that door, that is, protecting the relationship.

Guilt often arises when we confuse boundaries with selfishness. Aura Márquez offers a very clear image: healthy boundaries are like the banks of a river, which do not prevent the water from flowing but rather provide a channel for it to flow through. The most satisfying relationships, she concludes, are those in which both people can adequately express what they need, want, and think.

True intimacy is born when we can show ourselves as we are, in a safe space and without fear of being judged.

A simple exercise to start caring for your self-esteem

Aura Márquez suggests a very simple first step, based on her work method: do simple things, but repeatedly. The exercise involves observing how we speak to ourselves, asking: what do I say to myself when I make a mistake or when I feel rejected? Would I say it to someone I care about, to my son or daughter?

She also recommends reviewing the list of assertive rights —I have the right to make mistakes, I have the right to be valuable, I have the right to be important— to identify which ones we are denying ourselves. Self-esteem, she insists, does not appear overnight: it is built little by little, like a garden that needs to be fertilized, pruned, cared for, and observed.

At Vive la Vita you will always find a team to consult doubts or seek recommendations from professionals who can help you personally in your relationship.

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