The erotic sandwich technique: asking for what you want without hurting or offending.

Talking with your partner about an erotic theme can be quite challenging when you're not used to it. In this article, some specific tools will be given to carry out these conversations in the most effective way.

What is the “erotic sandwich”?

The sandwich technique is a generic assertive communication technique that has very good results.

The technique consists of imagining that we have the top part of the bread that forms the sandwich, the central part which would be the food it contains, and finally, the bottom bread of the sandwich. By thinking about each part of the dish, you can remember much better how to express what you want to say to your partner. 

The power of positive reinforcement

All parts are important, so it is not advisable to skip any. In this first part, it is explained how to start with the technique, with the top bread. 

In the first part, you want to ensure that the other person does not become defensive or guarded.

It is recommended to express something positive about the relationship or about the person. For example: “You know I love spending time together and that we can talk for hours with so much confidence about what we have built together.”

How to formulate a request with neutrality

In this central part is where the subject you want to talk about with your partner (or any other connection) is expressed. A subject that may be uncomfortable or may create a conflict for the relationship.

It is recommended not to use words like “always” or “never”, or express from “you are…”. The aim is to convey the responsibility of the person expressing the discomfort they feel.

A good way to express it is as suggested by psychologist Alicia Gonzáles: “But when you (say, do, think, etc.) ________ I feel/get ________.”

In addition, it is stated because it is intended to request a change in behavior in the other person. It is the time to state what the request is in a clear and concise manner. 

For example: “I would like next time when ________________ happens.”

Expressing what makes us feel discomfort in interpersonal relationships, no matter how well it is done, is useless if you don't tell the other person what would you like, would make you feel better, etc.

Remember that your link, no matter how well they know you, cannot guess what is happening to you, what you think, or what you feel.

Closing with appreciation: complete the circle

Concluding the request with the expression of discomfort or the request for change to the other person, from affection and love, will make the person receive that part of you that you are also feeling.

For example: “I want to express these kinds of things to you because I love you and want to continue building our bond.”

I hope the technique is useful to you and that you can have deeper conversations with your connections. 

💜 Your well-being is our reason for being; thank you for letting us be part of it.